Shredded Cheese-Eating, Podcast-Complaining, Digital-Chaos Demons Last Seen at 7:23pm, Or: How This Lesson About Friendship Will Help You Sell Way, Way More 🚀

Forgive me for these wacky examples

Okay so it’s Friday and I’M GETTING PIZZA TONIGHT. 🍕

That’s because if you know me, you know that I get pizza on Friday nights. Doesn’t matter what country I’m in. Doesn’t matter which pizza place. There are hot melted cheesy sins going into my mouth.

Now, if you’re close to me, you know this is a fact about me. You also probably know that I couldn’t give a shooting star about muffins and cakes and candies and cookies. It’s a salt & cheese world 🧀 🧂 🥨 🥖 ALL THE WAY TO MY TWISTED LITTLE HYPERTENSION GRAVE.

(Give me olive oil and bread, or give me nothing!!!!)

Which got me thinking.

Here’s a super fun little game.

Let’s play it, shall we? 🎲

Think of the person you know BEST in the whole, entire world.

• They’re on their deathbed. Is their last dying dish a slice of pizza or a slice of cake??? (Don’t @ me with that cake nonsense. 💅🏻)

• They have to give an award at work. Are they freaking out about speaking in public, or totally cool with it?

• Their steak is undercooked. Do they tells the server their order is wrong or silently eats it with resentment?

• They’re flying to Paris for a week. Do they check their luggage or carry on?

• They’re buying real estate. Do they read every term & condition or sign without blinking?

• It’s St. Patty’s Day. Would they rather host the party or just bring chips and Irish goodbye?

• Someone is being publicly humiliated. Do they step in or mind their own business?

• They’re giving to a GoFund me campaign. Do they do it anonymously or list their name and amount?

• They text saying they’re running 5 minutes late. Are they actually running 5 minutes late, or 20?

• They witness their friend’s husband making out with another woman. Do they tell the friend, or keep it mum?

If you can answer 8 out of 10 of these for your best friend, congrats—you know how to market to them. 🥸

That’s all marketing is: knowing what someone wants.

…And then positioning your product accordingly.

Which is all to say!

1. It is really frickin’ easy to market to your best friend

2. It is really frickin’ hard to market to a stranger

Most marketing problems aren’t marketing problems.

They’re friendship problems.

You’re trying to sell cheese to someone who is allergic to cheese. (Clearly not me.)

Because you aren’t good enough friends.

You know how when you take those courses and there’s always a target market section? And you always gloss right the fuck over it?

That’s because it’s one of those things that just seems sooooooooo philosophical. Pie-in-the-sky, not tangible, lots of hypotheticals, let’s get to the good stuff.

What the course should actually say is this:

Pick ONE person.
And make them your best friend.
And then make the perfect product for THEM.
And don’t give a hoot about anyone else.
Because this is how.
You will learn.
How to make things.
People actually want.

Otherwise, what’s your aim? You’ve got your weird aunt in the back of your mind, telling you that you should make it more practical for the moms, and your old boss in your other ear saying “Don’t forget about the B2B angle,” and suddenly you’re building a product for a mythical, mashed-up Frankenstein audience that doesn’t even exist.

The work isn’t about broadening your appeal.
It’s about deepening your understanding.
It’s about mind reading.

And you can’t read someone’s mind unless you actually know them. Like, deeply. Intimately. Know-what’s-in-their-tote-bag-and-how-they-react-to-an-inconvenience level knowing.

That’s where the good stuff is.
That’s where “target market” stops being theoretical and starts being wildly profitable.

(Ahem, this is also why local newsletters are SO much easier to market than regular newsletters: you know exactly who your neighbors are. You can make the perfect product for them.)

So I thought, you know what would be fun?

A big-ass list of insightful questions that you can ask yourself about your new best friend.

Your ONE customer.

Your ONE customer that is your new best friend.

Your ONE customer you are going to make this for.

Your ONE customer who is going to be so delighted that you made this for them, they’re going to happily pay you the money you’re asking.

Each question has a note about why it actually matters, and what decisions it’ll help you make. (Which is really why this exercise counts.) For example:

Decides in five seconds or five months?
Why this matters: Funnel length.
☐ Snap decision maker
☐ Spreadsheet procrastinator
Notes: _______________________

Or this one:

Always has five tabs open, or 53?
Why this matters: Attention span. Tells you how to design content and UX.
☐ Tab minimalist
☐ Digital chaos demon
Notes: _______________________

Or this one:

Joins the group text or lurks forever?
Why this matters: Community builder vs quiet observer. Impacts how you create group-based offers.
☐ Meme lord
☐ Seen at 7:23pm
Notes: _______________________

Or this one:

Would they rather host the party or show up late with chips?
Why this matters: Leader vs supporter. Great for positioning your product’s role in their life.
☐ Social ringleader
☐ Chips & ghosting
Notes: _______________________

Fun, right?!

Hint: The “why this matters” is the real insight here. It’ll prompt you to think through any decisions you make in your business, and which ones are the RIGHT ones. Finally, no more waffling back and forth! *SIGHS WITH RELIEF* *KICKS OFF SHOES*

Okay!

Here are 100 psychographic questions that will help you figure out how to better position your work…you know, for your new best friend. ;)

…The only person that matters.

(Except for the person making my pizza tonight.)

#cheesesins

🔮 100 Weirdly Specific Questions That’ll Make You a Mind-Reading Marketing Wizard

Demographics are dead. Long live the girl who only buys things she saw in a TikTok haul at 2am while eating shredded cheese out of the bag.

100 questions to help you:

• Reverse-engineer your ideal customer’s personality like a CIA profiler with a mood board

• Figure out how they shop, scroll, stress, and splurge

• Know what really makes them click (spoiler: it’s never “authenticity” 🙄)

• Build marketing that feels like mind-reading, not guesswork

Instructions: Think of your PERFECT customer, AKA your new best friend. Now answer the following like you’re trying to win $10,000 on Family Feud. Go with your gut, and don’t take it too seriously—this is marketing, not a root canal.