Tender Creamy Pink Tasty Salty Seared Fatty Magical Meat Royalty 👑—Or: How This Lesson About Sandwiches Can Make You *Rich*

Don't be the 'Budget Meat Slab' of your industry

Meat & yogurt—DISGUSTING!

Totally just ate it.

Not, like, together, but lemme tell you a little life hack: London. Broil. Cold. Cuts.

Jesus fucking christ, why is London Broil something I didn’t know about?! I pushed “Add to Cart” yesterday when I ordered groceries, because thankfully even in the middle of nowhere, Instacart is still PENETRATING SOCIETTTYYYY 👊—and when I opened the pack to take a little slice of deli meat and put it into my mouth, I almost fainted. And then farted. And then fainted.

Tender creamy pink tasty salty seared fatty magical meat royalty.

I had no idea why it’s called “London Broil,” so clearly I had to look it up, because *anything* to do with London and I’m obsessed. You know someday I’m coming for my British passport, right? Marry me? Can somebody please marry me? I promise I’ll start saying “aubergine” which makes me kinda want to just change my last name to “aubergine,” because “aubergine” is close enough to “ambirge,” right?! SAME SAME, GIMME A LAND ROVER.

So anyway, I immediately went to look up this majestic cattle loin, and do you know what I discovered?!?!?!?!?! DO YOU KNOW???????????

I’m still so upset about this.

I may never recover.

So I look up London Broil, right, thinking that this is The Shit of Our Heavenly Father™️—which somehow doesn’t have the same ring to it as just “the shit”—and lo and behold, I discover the truth: it is all a ploy.

Isn’t everything in life, these days?

The London Broil, turns out, is a cruel little old branding ploy made up by those cruel little old Americans. (Leaving that sentence there.)

Acabonac Farms

Those slimy, rotten, no-good, beef-broiling bastards!

So then I had to ask ChatGPT what the dirty was.

And, lemme tell you, ChatGPT did not hold back. It threw so much shade, calling it “the greatest culinary deception of our age.” (I love an AI with greasy opinions.)

You are telling me.

That the zenith that just happened in my mouth.

Is actually crap meat???

Remain calm!

I will get to the bottom of this. (Who’s here who has opinions?! Tell me things! ⬇️)

Anyway, I suppose it does sound better than “Budget Meat Slab” even if that’s the case.

BUT THIS IS MY POINT.

I bought it because it sounded ritzy AF. And the price tag was ritzy AF. And I really was craving a good sandwich. I also had a flashback of my mom mayyybe coveting the stuff. Which would make sense, since apparently London Broil originated in early 20th century Philadelphia, and we are from Philadelphia, and well, you know how it goes.

Turns out, they used tough-ass meat and tenderized it, so we poor folks could know what it’s like to have pillowy dreams on our tongues. So, I mean, don’t get me wrong: it is to die for. At least, whatever the shit is in my fridge. But, it also had a head start:

It was branded to sell.

“Broil” is another one of those fancy-people words, and we all know that anything having to do with London—at least for the American perception—is high-class.

And that includes the British accent.

Check this out:

I remember this being discussed heavily when I was doing my master’s in Linguistics: British accent is perceived as uber credible. The American Southern accent is perceived as “most stupid.” (Sorry!) And believe it or not? Journalists are trained in the “Broadcast Standard” accent, which is based on the accent found in the Midwest.

Why? Because the Midwest accent is perceived as the most neutral: flat vowels, clear articulation, no distinctive regional twangs.

(I remember visiting the BBC in London, wondering how THAT worked. Their standard is called “Received Pronunciation (RP),”—aka the posh British accent every American secretly thinks sounds smart, fancy, or mildly intimidating. But thanks to modern times, more regional accents are being more and more seen as acceptable—which is a good thing.)

ANYWAY—all of this? You know what all of this is???

Branding.

Freakin’ branding.

The things you do to be perceived in a desirable way to a particular audience.

Which is precisely why I always carry around a notebook full of fake quantum physics equations.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot—the branding, not the quantum physics—and how important it actually is if you want to get the right people in the door.

Specifically, how important language branding is—and how to do it right.